Raising Thankful Children: The Art of Saying "No"

Not her best day!

 

The other day we went as a family to a sit-down restaurant.  There are 9 of us, so this is something we don't do very often.  The church had given us a gift card (my husband's the Youth Pastor) and we seized the opportunity.  It was such a blessing!  Still, it wasn't cheap for us after paying for the remaining balance and the tip.  Another waitress, not ours, had approached our table several times with the normal "big family" questions.  She came up at one point and asked us how we get our children to act so well when we are out.  We get asked this one a lot, so I have some "go-to" answers like, "We work really hard at good behavior" or "Cough medicine" (tongue-in-cheek), but today I answered differently.  I said, "Well, they know if they don't behave, they don't get to come back." 


Crickets.  Slightly awkward silence and a more awkward giggle from the waitress. 


I didn't realize that was a radical concept.  I didn't realize that children are entitled to eat out.  I didn't realize that people don't say "no" to their children very often.  Ok, maybe I did.  I do go to Walmart once a month or so!

So, that started me thinking.  There is an Art to saying "no".  You can't say "no" to everything.  That makes you a Grinch.  That makes you no fun.  But you also can't say "yes" to everything either.  That makes you a pushover.  That makes your children no fun to be around.

So what's the balance?  For me, it kind of depends on the child.  Our oldest daughter and son once had a discussion when they were in early elementary about what Mom's "we'll see" means.  Our daughter took that to mean a definite "no" while our son pumped his fist and said "yes!" So, knowing each child's bent, I can temper my responses so as not to discourage them too much.

Now I just don't say "no" for the sake of saying it.  I don't have a "no quota" for the day.  I don't say "no" because I find some joy in it.  I love to give my children things and experiences!  So, I chose the times I say "no" or "not yet" very carefully. 

Because of our family size, income and stage of house remodeling, we have to say "no" to things that not everyone does.  Circumstances dictate these to some extent.  For example, we don't take the use of an indoor toilet lightly as we have lived without one as the bathroom remodel progressed!  Going out to eat, even at a fast food restaurant, is a privilege that we don't always get to enjoy.  Our children don't have the newest electronic gadgets and usually have to save their own money to buy them. Retail shopping is rare, but we have been blessed with great hand-me-downs and an awesome resale store.  To some, this may sound sad or even tragic (teenagers).  I see it as a unique blessing.  Whatever we have, we appreciate it.

I firmly believe though, if I don't say "no", our children don't understand the value of "yes".

This is not a random parenting tool.  We are very intentional about it.  Some things are a "no" because they are dangerous, expensive, unfeasible or completely ridiculous!  Some are a "no" because they have other responsibilities, time constraints, or it's simply not their turn.  Taking turns and sharing are related topics that I won't go into here, but are also great parenting tools for encouraging good character development.  God treats us, His children, in much the same way if you think about it.  We pray, we ask, and sometimes plead with God.  He wants us to have the best of everything, but sometimes it's not in our best interest to say "yes".  Sometimes a "wait" or a "no" will build our character more effectively.


I know how fun it is for me to be able to say "yes!" and I can't imagine the joy God feels when He says "yes" to us.


Lately, God has allowed me to see some positive fruit from our parenting labors.  Please don't take this as bragging.  Please take it as an encouragement that your hard work has or will pay off!  Our children thank whoever prepares the meal, without prompting.  When they ask to do something or have a special snack and the answer is "yes", they say "Thank you, Mom!"  Because they understand the why behind the "no" answers, they really appreciate any sacrifice of time or resources being made so that they can have their hearts desire or a special blessing.  They will even point out the ungrateful behavior of other children they observe to us!

As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, we all search our lives for blessings to express our gratefulness.  May we all appreciate the little things and the big things.  May we learn the Art of Saying No, even to ourselves.  May we find joy in all the "yeses"!