Raising Thankful Children: The Art of Saying "No"

Not her best day!

 

The other day we went as a family to a sit-down restaurant.  There are 9 of us, so this is something we don't do very often.  The church had given us a gift card (my husband's the Youth Pastor) and we seized the opportunity.  It was such a blessing!  Still, it wasn't cheap for us after paying for the remaining balance and the tip.  Another waitress, not ours, had approached our table several times with the normal "big family" questions.  She came up at one point and asked us how we get our children to act so well when we are out.  We get asked this one a lot, so I have some "go-to" answers like, "We work really hard at good behavior" or "Cough medicine" (tongue-in-cheek), but today I answered differently.  I said, "Well, they know if they don't behave, they don't get to come back." 


Crickets.  Slightly awkward silence and a more awkward giggle from the waitress. 


I didn't realize that was a radical concept.  I didn't realize that children are entitled to eat out.  I didn't realize that people don't say "no" to their children very often.  Ok, maybe I did.  I do go to Walmart once a month or so!

So, that started me thinking.  There is an Art to saying "no".  You can't say "no" to everything.  That makes you a Grinch.  That makes you no fun.  But you also can't say "yes" to everything either.  That makes you a pushover.  That makes your children no fun to be around.

So what's the balance?  For me, it kind of depends on the child.  Our oldest daughter and son once had a discussion when they were in early elementary about what Mom's "we'll see" means.  Our daughter took that to mean a definite "no" while our son pumped his fist and said "yes!" So, knowing each child's bent, I can temper my responses so as not to discourage them too much.

Now I just don't say "no" for the sake of saying it.  I don't have a "no quota" for the day.  I don't say "no" because I find some joy in it.  I love to give my children things and experiences!  So, I chose the times I say "no" or "not yet" very carefully. 

Because of our family size, income and stage of house remodeling, we have to say "no" to things that not everyone does.  Circumstances dictate these to some extent.  For example, we don't take the use of an indoor toilet lightly as we have lived without one as the bathroom remodel progressed!  Going out to eat, even at a fast food restaurant, is a privilege that we don't always get to enjoy.  Our children don't have the newest electronic gadgets and usually have to save their own money to buy them. Retail shopping is rare, but we have been blessed with great hand-me-downs and an awesome resale store.  To some, this may sound sad or even tragic (teenagers).  I see it as a unique blessing.  Whatever we have, we appreciate it.

I firmly believe though, if I don't say "no", our children don't understand the value of "yes".

This is not a random parenting tool.  We are very intentional about it.  Some things are a "no" because they are dangerous, expensive, unfeasible or completely ridiculous!  Some are a "no" because they have other responsibilities, time constraints, or it's simply not their turn.  Taking turns and sharing are related topics that I won't go into here, but are also great parenting tools for encouraging good character development.  God treats us, His children, in much the same way if you think about it.  We pray, we ask, and sometimes plead with God.  He wants us to have the best of everything, but sometimes it's not in our best interest to say "yes".  Sometimes a "wait" or a "no" will build our character more effectively.


I know how fun it is for me to be able to say "yes!" and I can't imagine the joy God feels when He says "yes" to us.


Lately, God has allowed me to see some positive fruit from our parenting labors.  Please don't take this as bragging.  Please take it as an encouragement that your hard work has or will pay off!  Our children thank whoever prepares the meal, without prompting.  When they ask to do something or have a special snack and the answer is "yes", they say "Thank you, Mom!"  Because they understand the why behind the "no" answers, they really appreciate any sacrifice of time or resources being made so that they can have their hearts desire or a special blessing.  They will even point out the ungrateful behavior of other children they observe to us!

As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, we all search our lives for blessings to express our gratefulness.  May we all appreciate the little things and the big things.  May we learn the Art of Saying No, even to ourselves.  May we find joy in all the "yeses"!

 

 

 

Feeding the 5000...well the 9 of us at least

Of all the questions and comments we get about raising a large family, people are often very curious about how we do meal time.  We don't run it like a cafeteria.  We don't have a commercial grade kitchen like the Duggers either.  There are 3 simple aspects to our meals. 

The first aspect of the meal is staffing.  By this I mean, which of our 2 oldest is in charge of helping or cooking the meal.  Once I know who is assigned to "meal" for the day, I can let them know what is on the meal plan.  When I am organized enough, they can read the meal plan...otherwise it's all in my head.  If it's a meal they know how to make, they can jump right into preparing the meal while I either help or complete another task.  There are always diapers to change, school papers to copy or something to be cleaned.  Having the big kids help with meals has really been helpful.  I am much more productive.  Even the littler kids help with setting the table or putting out plates and drinks.

The second aspect of the meal is quantity.  Many of our brood are still very young.  Thus, the quantity of food needed at this point is nothing compared to what it will be when we have multiple teens and pre-teens living under our roof!  Even now, we are doubling most recipes.  We choose to set up each plate then put it on the table.  I have found that serving family style allows my children to take less of the things I want them to eat.  They are always welcome to seconds, but are also expected to eat the reasonable portions on their plate.  But how much should each child be expected to eat?  I have read in several places that a child under 5 years should eat 1 tablespoon of each food per year of life (http://life.familyeducation.com/nutrition/nutrition/36616.html).  I also tend to not to put things like pretzels and chips on their plates.  Those foods are a reward for eating the "good stuff" and can fill up a little belly pretty quickly.  Also, we don't give our children milk at every meal or a even full cup of milk.  Milk also fills the belly and two of my girls would prefer to only drink milk.  This article from Parenting (http://www.parenting.com/article/got-milk ) states the U.S. dietary guidelines for dairy, milk and other dairy products, consumption.  I tend to limit milk intake due to the fact that we are not currently able to buy organic or raw milk.  The generic milk is expensive enough!



The third aspect of the meal is atmosphere.  All you Martha Stewart types just got excited because you are expecting me to tell about how to make beautiful centerpieces out of things you have lying around the house or how to sew a tablecloth from scraps of cloth or old baby clothes.  Well, you should probably try a different blog if that's what you're looking for!  When I talk about atmosphere, I mean setting the tone for family time.  There are times when we all watch a movie during dinner, but we limit those.  Meals are a time to catch up with mom or dad on their day, to talk about what we learned in school, to schedule our day or week, and to make each other laugh.  These are precious moments to me.  Right now our children are dependent on us for transportation, do not have jobs, and enjoy being with their family.  I hope the family meal lasts for the entire time they are in our home, but if it doesn't, we hope to have set the foundation for the relationships we have with our children.  You've heard the commercials and the experts sing the praises of  "The Family Meal".  It really has been a bonding time for our family.

Our food is not fancy.  Our table cloth is made of vinyl.  Our chairs don't match.

But the time together is priceless.

10 Misconceptions about Large Families

10.  We have out of control children.  My husband and I have worked very hard at developing good behavior in our children.  It is very important to us that we not be that "obnoxious big family".  We discipline with explanation and affirmation.  What do I mean by that?  We always want our children to understand why they are being disciplined and for the consequence of their behavior to be clear (in age-appropriate language) and logical (fitting of the "crime").  We also want them to understand that we still love them.  That our love for them is not conditional.  Don't get me wrong.  We get mad.  Sometimes really mad.  But no matter how angry or disappointed or even hurt we are, they are still our child and we cannot love them less. 
   In public, our children know that the rules are still the same.  They still try to test us, but the rules of good behavior apply everywhere and despite my mood.  This can get exhausting!  When you're tired and want to say, "Because I said so.  Now go to bed."  Oh...that would be so much easier!  At least for the moment.  But when the same thing happens the next night, it doesn't seem like it's a very good method.
     We get a lot of compliments at restaurants.  I am not trying to be snobby.  You'd be surprised how many people stare at you when 9 of you sit down to a meal, especially at a pizza buffet!  Our children ask to leave the table, use fairly good manners (haha) and clean up after themselves.  Even at a restaurant where someone else cleans the table.  We stack our plates and clean up the floor.  We even wipe the table if we are messy.  Why?  We believe that our witness to our faith is as much in the everyday things as in sharing about who Jesus is.
9. We have no self-control.  People think we don't know how we got all these children.  They have no problem commenting on our lack of control.  One gentleman even suggested that my husband needed to sleep at the pastor's house.  With a mischievous grin, I informed him that my husband was a pastor!  The look on his face was priceless!  We don't have seven children because we are not informed or self-controlled.  My husband and I are both college-educated.  We've taken at least one Biology class.  We have seven children because we are blessed beyond measure with the joy and responsibility of raising young men and women who love God and desire to make a difference in their world.
8. We are overwhelmed and unhappy.  There's a difference between busy and overwhelmed.  We are busy.  I think I would be extremely bored if I wasn't at least a little busy.  We love being with our children.  They are a complete blast!  They make us laugh.  They make us think.  I love to see each one progress through development in their own style.  Our lives do not revolve around them, which can be exhausting, but we include them in our lives.   Early on in our parenting (we've only been parenting 13 years) we heard a great illustration.  If your child is in the center of the family and the parents circle around them, you won't be able to reach around them as your family grows.  If they are a part of the circle, the family can expand without loosing touch.
7. We can never go on vacation.  We do go on vacations.  Not to Hawaii or Europe.  Our family really enjoys the simple trips.  We don't camp, but we love state parks.  Every winter we stay at a local state park.  They have a 2 for 1 special during the off season and now have a family suite with bunk beds and 2 queen beds.  We have cultivated some special memories and traditions there as well as a few other select destinations.  It's not about the place.  It's about the time spent together.
6. We can never go out to eat.  As I mentioned earlier, we do go out to eat.  We do tend to go places that don't require a tip.  There are some special occasions when we budget for those kinds of restaurants.  Because we don't eat out often, our children seem to appreciate it more when they do.  There was a time when we had a little more disposable income and went out more often.  Now that we don't go as often, I notice that they are discerning where they choose and are more grateful to go at all.  Even Taco Bell is exciting!
5. We cannot give each child enough of our attention.  We can't give each child our attention whenever they want it, that's true.  Don't stop reading!  If we did that, no one would get a complete sentence in.  They learn to be patient and wait their turn because they know they will get the chance to express themselves.  Not always easy in the heat of a sibling argument, but they can learn to wait.
4. We cannot give them everything they want.  No we can't.  What parent could or should?  Just spend one Saturday morning watching cartoons with your children or go through the toy aisles.  They want everything they see!  I have yet to encounter a child who says, "I really don't need anything for my birthday/Christmas/any occasion."  My children are definitely blessed with things to play with.  Sometimes I have to remind them of the toys they have after they have been playing with pieces of wood (scraps from the house remodel make into great houses and games) or boxes (forts or Nerf gun war obstacles).  I love to see the look on their faces when they get that one special thing they were hoping for.  Better than a car full of presents to bring home from Christmas.
3. We cannot possibly afford this many children.  Who can?  My mother said to me, "Don't wait to have children until you can afford them.  You never will."  There's always something else you could be doing with your money.  I find it a challenge to see how cheaply I can get things.  I am not an "extreme couponer" or one of those people who doesn't spend any money for months at a time.  It's like modern-day hunting and gathering for me.  I love to come home and share with my husband the great deals we found that day.  That is, if my children don't tell him first!
2. We should not bring more children into an already over-populated world.  Check out the stats on Canada.  They are not replacing themselves.  Schools are closing because there are not enough students.  Who's going to pay for their "free healthcare" when there are less people paying taxes?  We are not trying to make up for the decreasing population in Canada, but I do think people just assume we are over-populated as a planet.  We are doing are best to raise a generation of men and women who care for others and the planet God gave them. 
1. We are crazy.  Yep.  We are.  But not in the "have-them-committed-to-the-institution" sort of way.  At least not yet. :) 

*Disclaimer: I am in no way implying that you have to have a big family to raise a great one.  I .can only speak from my experience of being from and now having a larger family.  I realize that God calls everyone to their own family: 1 child, 10 children, no children.  Regardless, I believe it is His plan for us to love, nurture and mentor a generation that loves Him with all their heart, soul and mind!  My hope is that you find this post at least mildly entertaining and interesting.