Raising Thankful Children: The Art of Saying "No"

Not her best day!

 

The other day we went as a family to a sit-down restaurant.  There are 9 of us, so this is something we don't do very often.  The church had given us a gift card (my husband's the Youth Pastor) and we seized the opportunity.  It was such a blessing!  Still, it wasn't cheap for us after paying for the remaining balance and the tip.  Another waitress, not ours, had approached our table several times with the normal "big family" questions.  She came up at one point and asked us how we get our children to act so well when we are out.  We get asked this one a lot, so I have some "go-to" answers like, "We work really hard at good behavior" or "Cough medicine" (tongue-in-cheek), but today I answered differently.  I said, "Well, they know if they don't behave, they don't get to come back." 


Crickets.  Slightly awkward silence and a more awkward giggle from the waitress. 


I didn't realize that was a radical concept.  I didn't realize that children are entitled to eat out.  I didn't realize that people don't say "no" to their children very often.  Ok, maybe I did.  I do go to Walmart once a month or so!

So, that started me thinking.  There is an Art to saying "no".  You can't say "no" to everything.  That makes you a Grinch.  That makes you no fun.  But you also can't say "yes" to everything either.  That makes you a pushover.  That makes your children no fun to be around.

So what's the balance?  For me, it kind of depends on the child.  Our oldest daughter and son once had a discussion when they were in early elementary about what Mom's "we'll see" means.  Our daughter took that to mean a definite "no" while our son pumped his fist and said "yes!" So, knowing each child's bent, I can temper my responses so as not to discourage them too much.

Now I just don't say "no" for the sake of saying it.  I don't have a "no quota" for the day.  I don't say "no" because I find some joy in it.  I love to give my children things and experiences!  So, I chose the times I say "no" or "not yet" very carefully. 

Because of our family size, income and stage of house remodeling, we have to say "no" to things that not everyone does.  Circumstances dictate these to some extent.  For example, we don't take the use of an indoor toilet lightly as we have lived without one as the bathroom remodel progressed!  Going out to eat, even at a fast food restaurant, is a privilege that we don't always get to enjoy.  Our children don't have the newest electronic gadgets and usually have to save their own money to buy them. Retail shopping is rare, but we have been blessed with great hand-me-downs and an awesome resale store.  To some, this may sound sad or even tragic (teenagers).  I see it as a unique blessing.  Whatever we have, we appreciate it.

I firmly believe though, if I don't say "no", our children don't understand the value of "yes".

This is not a random parenting tool.  We are very intentional about it.  Some things are a "no" because they are dangerous, expensive, unfeasible or completely ridiculous!  Some are a "no" because they have other responsibilities, time constraints, or it's simply not their turn.  Taking turns and sharing are related topics that I won't go into here, but are also great parenting tools for encouraging good character development.  God treats us, His children, in much the same way if you think about it.  We pray, we ask, and sometimes plead with God.  He wants us to have the best of everything, but sometimes it's not in our best interest to say "yes".  Sometimes a "wait" or a "no" will build our character more effectively.


I know how fun it is for me to be able to say "yes!" and I can't imagine the joy God feels when He says "yes" to us.


Lately, God has allowed me to see some positive fruit from our parenting labors.  Please don't take this as bragging.  Please take it as an encouragement that your hard work has or will pay off!  Our children thank whoever prepares the meal, without prompting.  When they ask to do something or have a special snack and the answer is "yes", they say "Thank you, Mom!"  Because they understand the why behind the "no" answers, they really appreciate any sacrifice of time or resources being made so that they can have their hearts desire or a special blessing.  They will even point out the ungrateful behavior of other children they observe to us!

As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, we all search our lives for blessings to express our gratefulness.  May we all appreciate the little things and the big things.  May we learn the Art of Saying No, even to ourselves.  May we find joy in all the "yeses"!

 

 

 

The Bathroom Library

I used to tease a friend of mine about her "bathroom library", the stack of books on the back of her toilet.  She would speak of all the wonderful things she was reading in the multiple books on her current reading list. As a reluctant reader, I have trouble finishing books.  I read slowly, but don't miss a detail.  Great for academics, not so great for reading for pleasure!   Also, I used to get hung up on completing a whole book before moving onto the next.  This method left me with many an unfinished book.

As I was making my witty comments about her reading methods  (because I am hilarious), I found myself wishing I could glean the gems of wisdom that she was from her bathroom full of books.  She could speak of varied things from parenting to gardening to spiritual inspiration.  Um, I read a magazine article the other day at the dentist's office...

So, I decided to try it her way.  For the last couple of months I have been keeping several books in my bathroom in a container next to the, well, quietest seat in my house.  I have 7 children who are learning to let mama have her privacy in the bathroom.  Another friend admitted to me that sometimes she just goes in there to read in peace!  I haven't resorted to that...yet.

Currently, I am reading 4 different books during my brief moments of solitude.  I read whichever one seems interesting in the moment, except when I need to get a chapter read in the book we are discussing for the ladies class at church.  I have to say, I was very skeptical, but it is really working!  I am reading more text and more consistently than I have in years.  Better than that, I am actually enjoying reading!  I look forward to my literary oasis.

Moral of the story?  Don't laugh at your friends until you try their crazy ideas!

Below are photos of the books I am currently reading.

10 Things Every Parent Wants from Their Child's Therapist

In my nearly 17 years as a pediatric Speech Therapist, I have tried to learn as much as I can from my patients and their families.  In a recent discussion about a newer patient's previous therapy experiences (trying to understand what they worked on/what methods they used), her mother said something that has stayed in my mind ever since.  "There are therapists and then there are good therapists."  She went on to explain that her daughter had multiple therapists in various disciplines.  Some of them just came and did their job, while others she deemed as "good therapists".  So I started thinking about other parent comments throughout my tenure and even asked some of the families about what makes a good therapist.  Then I stumbled upon this article: http://parentingspecialneeds.org/article/54.  It really got me thinking.

The following list is in no particular order as I would not presume to know what is most or least important to each family.  My hope is that this list will serve to be an inspiration for those of us who are blessed to work with special children and their extraordinary families.  Inspiration to be better, to be exceptional, to be a blessing to all we have the pleasure to work with.  I also hope it puts into words the desires of the hearts of all who love a person with a disability.  I hope you will listen to your heart and advocate for the special person in your life who needs extra help to reach their full potential.  Help the "experts" in your life to understand your child, their needs, your hopes and dreams for them and how you and your family want to be involved in this process. 

10 Things Every Parent Wants From Their Child's Therapist:
1. Care about my child.  Be happy to see them.  Smile.  Greet them.  Give a high 5.  Let them hug you.  Hug back.  Be genuinely concerned when we get bad news and genuinely happy when we have a victory.  Remember my child's birthday.  None of us are guaranteed another year, but it is especially precarious for some children.
2. Care about my family.  Remember things that are important to us.  Know me by name (not "mom", "dad", "grandma") and my other children's names.  Talk to my other children too, it's not always fun for them to go to the numerous appointments we have each week.  Remember doctor's appointments and ask about them after.
3. Be good at what you do...know your stuff.  Take the time to research things you haven't seen before.  Pick courses to attend that will help you better meet my child's needs.  Share what you learned with me.
4. Admit what you don't know...then look it up.  I won't think you are less of an "expert" because you don't know it all.  I want to know that you are willing to learn, that's all.
5. Push my child to succeed.  Expect him to.  Don't give up on my child.  Don't accept that she can't learn.  Look past the behaviors.  Look past the attempts to distract you.  Realize it's hard for my child, but keep trying.
6. It may be your job, but it's my child.  Be passionate about what you do.  My child knows when you aren't.  We know when you aren't.  
7. Give me reasonable things to do at home.  Seek to understand my home situation.  Realize that I have other children or a sick parent I am taking care of.  Understand that I have multiple appointments in my week for my child.  Give me things to do so that I can feel successful and not defeated.  Watch my body language, listen to my stories of the week we just had and tailor the homework accordingly.  
8.  Resource me.  Help me find other resources for services, funding, supplies, parenting help, respite care, family counseling, etc.  Send stuff home with me.  Whether it's copies of what you are using at therapy or things you make (daily schedules, social stories), I appreciate it all.  I realize you don't have to anything outside of our session.  Go above and beyond my expectations.  
9. Appreciate the small steps my child makes, as well as the major breakthroughs.  Verbalize the small steps my child is making toward his goals.  It helps me to see them and to know that you see them too.
10. Take into account what is important to us when making your goals.  It may be toilet training, wearing her seat belt, saying his phone number, interacting with children at school or church, saying family members' names, writing her name, being able to go up and down the slide at recess, or being able to eat with the family.  I appreciate all that you know about my child's development and progressing through skills, but I also appreciate you asking what is important to us.

For professionals, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this.  That speaks a lot about you and your desire to meet the needs of the children and families we serve.  I hope this motivates you to be every improving how we do what we do.  So pick the thing that stood out to you and work on that.  For me, I have trouble remembering names.  So a colleague of mine passed along that she had written the parents' names in red marker on the outside of the chart.  I copied her idea and have been practicing using their names in our conversations during therapy.  It really is the little things that make the difference.  I also set up a parent resource bulletin board in the waiting room which we stock with articles about parenting classes, special diet recipes, advocating for your child, financial planning, support groups and many more relevant and timely topics.  Please post any ideas you have found that really worked for you in the comments section.


For parents, I hope this resonates with you.  I hope it validates how you are feeling.  Please feel free to comment below and add your experiences.  I have tried to speak positively about what parents want and not  focus on what therapists are not, so please phrase your comments that way.

Social Stories

As a pediatric Speech Therapist that works primarily with children with Autism or other social disorders, I use social stories often. 

What is a social story? 
A social story is a  tool created specifically for a child or adult to address a behavioral concern, help with transitions or prepare the them  for a new experience.  I have written stories to help children wait in line at the store, only eat their own lunches, prepare for having a new bus and driver, and learn what to expect during their field trip to the zoo.  I have even written stories to help children understand what is happening in their bodies (i.e. wounds healing, puberty) to prepare them or diffuse any anxiety they may have.

How do you write a social story?
A social story should be positive, a list of "do's" not "don'ts" or rules.  Talking about what a child should do allows them to focus on the desired behavior(s) and not on the undesired ones.  For example, if the story says "I shouldn't hit my sister", it may cause the child just to focus on hitting his sister.  Conversely, if the story says "When I get mad at my sister, I can say 'stop it' or 'no'.  I can say 'I'm mad' or 'Leave me alone'.  I can talk to mom or dad about what happened.", it gives the child alternatives to hitting his sister without even mentioning hitting.

I write these stories in first person.  "I" refers to the child.  Making the stories personal makes reading them more fun!  The story should also talk about feelings.  How the child and others feel about the situation and resolution.  An example of the problem: "I get tired of waiting in line at the store.  I want to touch everything or look at things away from where mom is.  This makes mom upset.  She worries if she can't find me.".  The solution: "When I stay by mom and wait patiently with my hands in my pockets, mom is very happy.  She is proud of my behavior.  I like when mom is happy."  Also, I am careful to use language that the individual can understand...on their level.

I use lots of photographs in the stories.   Anyone who spends time with the individual may read the social story.  When possible, I like to use photographs of the actual individual and surroundings.  The best case scenario would be to photograph the child or adult in the actual situation.  This is not always possible.  When it is not, I try to at least have a photograph of the individuals involved in the story.  Google Images is a great resource for free photographs.  For example, if the child is going to a public place like the zoo or firehouse, you can find specific photos or really close photos of the destination.  I have also found some really good pictures of people experiencing different emotions.  You can search very specifically (i.e. hispanic angry girl, crying toddler boy) and find some really nice photos that will show what the story is talking about.

Who uses a social story?
Anyone who needs extra practice in positive social interactions.  They may or may not have Autism.  The child or adult does not easily learn to navigate the social jungle.  They do not understand common social standards and cannot read peoples emotions or intentions.  By rehearsing the positive social interactions portrayed in the social story, they can more easily learn the appropriate behaviors.  I am actually considering a social story about using a kleenex for my nose-picking 4 year old!

How do you use a social story?
Social stories are to be read many times.   Anyone who spends time with the individual may read the social story: a parent, grandparent, sibling, instructional aide, therapist, or friend.  Limiting the number of social stories to 1 or 2 at a time will help the individual to keep the information straight and not confuse the stories.  I learned at a conference that an individual with Autism needs up to 4 weeks to learn a new skill.  The repetition of the social story allows the child or adult to really learn the information presented as well as affording them opportunities to implement the information.

So, in a nutshell, my process is as follows: determine the targeted behavior to extinguish or encourage, write out the text of the story, add pictures and edit it so it is easy to read.

The link below takes you to an example of a social story.  Please feel free to ask any questions in the comment section.  Happy writing!

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=gmail&attid=0.1&thid=13c3a193d5557bcc&mt=application/vnd.openxmlformats-officedocument.wordprocessingml.document&url=https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui%3D2%26ik%3Df328575db5%26view%3Datt%26th%3D13c3a193d5557bcc%26attid%3D0.1%26disp%3Dsafe%26zw&sig=AHIEtbQ5WDcFyleuGQf_TO8CQgFYkyifpw

10 Misconceptions about Large Families

10.  We have out of control children.  My husband and I have worked very hard at developing good behavior in our children.  It is very important to us that we not be that "obnoxious big family".  We discipline with explanation and affirmation.  What do I mean by that?  We always want our children to understand why they are being disciplined and for the consequence of their behavior to be clear (in age-appropriate language) and logical (fitting of the "crime").  We also want them to understand that we still love them.  That our love for them is not conditional.  Don't get me wrong.  We get mad.  Sometimes really mad.  But no matter how angry or disappointed or even hurt we are, they are still our child and we cannot love them less. 
   In public, our children know that the rules are still the same.  They still try to test us, but the rules of good behavior apply everywhere and despite my mood.  This can get exhausting!  When you're tired and want to say, "Because I said so.  Now go to bed."  Oh...that would be so much easier!  At least for the moment.  But when the same thing happens the next night, it doesn't seem like it's a very good method.
     We get a lot of compliments at restaurants.  I am not trying to be snobby.  You'd be surprised how many people stare at you when 9 of you sit down to a meal, especially at a pizza buffet!  Our children ask to leave the table, use fairly good manners (haha) and clean up after themselves.  Even at a restaurant where someone else cleans the table.  We stack our plates and clean up the floor.  We even wipe the table if we are messy.  Why?  We believe that our witness to our faith is as much in the everyday things as in sharing about who Jesus is.
9. We have no self-control.  People think we don't know how we got all these children.  They have no problem commenting on our lack of control.  One gentleman even suggested that my husband needed to sleep at the pastor's house.  With a mischievous grin, I informed him that my husband was a pastor!  The look on his face was priceless!  We don't have seven children because we are not informed or self-controlled.  My husband and I are both college-educated.  We've taken at least one Biology class.  We have seven children because we are blessed beyond measure with the joy and responsibility of raising young men and women who love God and desire to make a difference in their world.
8. We are overwhelmed and unhappy.  There's a difference between busy and overwhelmed.  We are busy.  I think I would be extremely bored if I wasn't at least a little busy.  We love being with our children.  They are a complete blast!  They make us laugh.  They make us think.  I love to see each one progress through development in their own style.  Our lives do not revolve around them, which can be exhausting, but we include them in our lives.   Early on in our parenting (we've only been parenting 13 years) we heard a great illustration.  If your child is in the center of the family and the parents circle around them, you won't be able to reach around them as your family grows.  If they are a part of the circle, the family can expand without loosing touch.
7. We can never go on vacation.  We do go on vacations.  Not to Hawaii or Europe.  Our family really enjoys the simple trips.  We don't camp, but we love state parks.  Every winter we stay at a local state park.  They have a 2 for 1 special during the off season and now have a family suite with bunk beds and 2 queen beds.  We have cultivated some special memories and traditions there as well as a few other select destinations.  It's not about the place.  It's about the time spent together.
6. We can never go out to eat.  As I mentioned earlier, we do go out to eat.  We do tend to go places that don't require a tip.  There are some special occasions when we budget for those kinds of restaurants.  Because we don't eat out often, our children seem to appreciate it more when they do.  There was a time when we had a little more disposable income and went out more often.  Now that we don't go as often, I notice that they are discerning where they choose and are more grateful to go at all.  Even Taco Bell is exciting!
5. We cannot give each child enough of our attention.  We can't give each child our attention whenever they want it, that's true.  Don't stop reading!  If we did that, no one would get a complete sentence in.  They learn to be patient and wait their turn because they know they will get the chance to express themselves.  Not always easy in the heat of a sibling argument, but they can learn to wait.
4. We cannot give them everything they want.  No we can't.  What parent could or should?  Just spend one Saturday morning watching cartoons with your children or go through the toy aisles.  They want everything they see!  I have yet to encounter a child who says, "I really don't need anything for my birthday/Christmas/any occasion."  My children are definitely blessed with things to play with.  Sometimes I have to remind them of the toys they have after they have been playing with pieces of wood (scraps from the house remodel make into great houses and games) or boxes (forts or Nerf gun war obstacles).  I love to see the look on their faces when they get that one special thing they were hoping for.  Better than a car full of presents to bring home from Christmas.
3. We cannot possibly afford this many children.  Who can?  My mother said to me, "Don't wait to have children until you can afford them.  You never will."  There's always something else you could be doing with your money.  I find it a challenge to see how cheaply I can get things.  I am not an "extreme couponer" or one of those people who doesn't spend any money for months at a time.  It's like modern-day hunting and gathering for me.  I love to come home and share with my husband the great deals we found that day.  That is, if my children don't tell him first!
2. We should not bring more children into an already over-populated world.  Check out the stats on Canada.  They are not replacing themselves.  Schools are closing because there are not enough students.  Who's going to pay for their "free healthcare" when there are less people paying taxes?  We are not trying to make up for the decreasing population in Canada, but I do think people just assume we are over-populated as a planet.  We are doing are best to raise a generation of men and women who care for others and the planet God gave them. 
1. We are crazy.  Yep.  We are.  But not in the "have-them-committed-to-the-institution" sort of way.  At least not yet. :) 

*Disclaimer: I am in no way implying that you have to have a big family to raise a great one.  I .can only speak from my experience of being from and now having a larger family.  I realize that God calls everyone to their own family: 1 child, 10 children, no children.  Regardless, I believe it is His plan for us to love, nurture and mentor a generation that loves Him with all their heart, soul and mind!  My hope is that you find this post at least mildly entertaining and interesting.